chubby cheeks

Perverts stay out! This is my diet blog, not a porn site!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Today = Bad

Food for the day (I can't even catagorize it because my eating has been grazing the whole day):

Cottage Cheese
Spicy beef burrito
Coffee w half & half, sugar
Stroganoff
3 oz Cheese
2 Bowls of noodles with butter
Strawberry soda
2 Spicy beef burros
3 c milk


OINK, OINK!! Let's hope for a better day tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

224

Food for today:

Breakfast: 2 fried eggs, 1/2 c cottage cheese, 2 mugs of coffee w half and half and sugar.

Lunch: 1.5 oz motz cheese, banana yogurt, mint tea w splenda.

Snack: 1/2 tiny choc cake, c milk

Dinner: Stroganoff, peas

Cocktails: 30 oz beer

Not porn

Dammit!!! I hate when blogger loses posts. It pisses me off to no end.

I've noticed that this site gets yahoo'd a lot for porn. Geez, don't people have anything better to do with their time?

Ok, let's try this one more time...

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

221-Head Hunger

I'm having some head hunger today. I really want to munch, even tho I'm not hungry. I keep having to say that to myself; really focus on the fullness of my tummy and repeat: "I'm not hungry."

I did eat breakfast and have 4 trefoil girls scout cookies with my tea. I ate them slowly and enjoyed them. I love those little cookies! They are my favorite.

I'm not sure if this head hunger is due to being so low on the scale (221) or the stress of a fussy baby, but I need to focus on getting things done and not let myself drift into the kitchen for a mindless binge.

I am excited that I was so low this morning. I think that I'll wait until Friday morning to weigh myself again.

I need to tend on my fussy child--could he be getting his other teeth so soon?

Monday, February 14, 2005

get a life

There have been a few things rattling around in my brain for a couple of days. I came across these on some sites, one was for getting your eating under control, and one is from a diary I read; this girl has gone thru WLS and is very insightful.

1. Losing weight will not resolve your issues about body image or who you are.
What I get from this is that weight loss will not solve my problems. So many over weight people, me included, have had day dreams that we will suddenly become skinny and that will automatically make us smarter, funnier, more desirable to the opposite sex, or even the same sex in regards to friendship. In all of my skinny fantasies, not only am I skinny, but my house is clean and people can't wait to be around my new charisma. I'm beginning to realize that that is an unrealistic idea. Just because your thin it doesn't mean your a better person.

Weight loss will not:

-make me a better mother,
-make me a more attentive wife,
-make me a friendlier friend, I won't pick up the phone more often.
-make me a better house keeper, I'll probably be just as lazy as ever.
-make me more at ease when we have guests, I'll probably feel just as incompetant as before.

I could go on and on, but I'm beginning to see the point. It will change my life for better, I'll be able to be more active with my son and husband, I'll be healthier and live longer, so of course there are benifits, but in general, I'll still be ME. So if I have issues with me, (boy, do I) they won't solve themselves as I get smaller.

2. "You've likely been waiting a long, long time to get this weight demon off your back. When you do, where is your energy going to go?"

Great point. I've noticed that for 24 hours, seven days a week, my focus is on food; what will I eat, when will I eat, or I'm eating. If I didn't focus on food, what else is there?

That's where the old saying "get a life" comes into play. Get a life. That hit me like a ton of bricks on Saturday. Enjoy time with my hubby, or my son, or my friends, or my mom, or MYSELF! Enjoy being alive, enjoy the outdoors or my beautiful indoors. There is so much to do, so much to see, why am I wasting it on food?

I don't know, but I intend to find out.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

223

I haven't posted because I'm eating like crap and it's embarrasing to admit. Yesterday my hubby stayed home and it gave me a chance to eat normally--no bingeing, no snacking, just eating regular meals. It was nice really.

I know that I put food as the first priority--I know this, but how do I change this habit? Yesterday I didn't put food first, it was family time first and I didn't think of food until I got hungry, but by that time we were busy and I put it off. It was nice not to have that food preoccupation all the time.

So my goal for today and only for today, I will focus on other things--my baby, beautifing my house, taking time out for me and not focusing on food.

One day at a time.


Thursday, February 03, 2005

Didn't I say I wanted to be normal?

Today I did something I havn't done in a long time:

Binge and Purge.

It scared me how easy it was to resume that old habit.




Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Sum it up

I just got off the phone with my mom. We talked a little about losing weight and this is basically what I said to her:

I don't want to diet. I don't want to count calories. I just want to eat like a regular person and be at a regular weight. I don't want to be obsessed about food. I just want to be normal.

That's all I want. Is that feasible? Is that possible to do/be?

What do I want??

Somedays I really want to lose weight. I want to be thinner, I want to wear cute clothes, I want to feel good about myself.

Other days, well, it's not like I don't care, or I'm giving up on myself, I just want to stop this cycle of eating too much and hating myself. The problem is that I can't seem to give this weight loss adventure up. It is always on my mind. I'm always calculating how many calories I've eaten and how many I have left for the day or how many I've gone over again, how many pounds I'm up or down, ect. Some days I want to be thinner, maybe 190 pounds would be good for the rest of my life, some days I want to see if I could get down to 13o for once in my life.

What I do know is that I'm a horrible compulsive overeater. Horrible. Somedays I'm as bad as a heroin addict. I get up in the morning and the first thing I think is "What is there to eat?"

I've been trying to come up with a reason of WHY I compulsively binge eat and I think that I've come up with two main reasons:

Boredom/loneliness
Procrastination

(A lot of sites say that depression will trigger binge eating. Am I depressed? I don't think so, not anymore than anybody, I guess. I feel like I have a pretty good life, not too many problems there.)

I also think that food has always been the main focus all my life, even when I was a little girl. Mostly I remember summer break, eating and eating because I was bored and I didn't want to do chores. I wanted to sit in front of the tv and eat, or read and eat. Most of the summers my friends were away with their dads (they had divorced parents) and I was all alone with food as my only friend.

When I moved to Oregon, I found a friend who was fatter than I was and she showed me the way of fast food eating. Finally I found someone who could eat and eat and out eat me. We became fast friends and we would go from fast food place to fast food place ordering tons of food, sitting in her car and gobbling it all up and talking. Then a few hours later we would go to a resturant for more food. Is there any wonder I ended up to be over 300 lbs in a couple of years time?

Sadly, or maybe not so sadly, our friendship ended and I realized that the only thing we ever really had in common was food. For real. We liked different things, were interested in different things, but never realized it because we were too busy eating.

Same with my family, the only time that we ever got along is when we were eating. All our memories involve food. What we were eating when such and such happened, who made what dish when...

So maybe that is where this compulsion with food comes from. For so long it has been the front and center of my life, and now that is imbedded in my brain--Food, Food, Food. What's to eat? Where should I eat? How much can I eat?

The sneak eating is another part of compulsive over eating that is very strong in my life. Not only am I embarrassed of the amount and what I'm eating, but I think it is the adrenalin rush of the action of sneak eating that excites. Is that it? Or is it just a habit too? I would have to sneak food growing up because if my dad caught me eating, or even tasting something that I was cooking, he would go right to my mom and tattle on me.

Looking back, my dad is a big source of food angst for me. I always felt as if I needed to eat my share right away, or he'd eat it all. There was never left overs in my house, even though my mom would make HUGE portions, all the food would be gone within the hour. He never wanted us to eat all the food, so he would eat it all, so in return, my brother and I would try to eat it all first.

I know that I'm all over the place in this entry, but I feel like I have so much in my brain to figure out and I just don't know where to start. I just know that I'm so tired of living in this cycle. I want out. I want to live a normal life that doesn't revolve around food.

It's just food! Not love, not friendship, just food.

Why can't I get that into my brain??